I did it yet again. I lost my temper and a wave of frustration flushed across my face. Working with a hearing loss child who's slightly on the spectrum has brought about endless cycles of meltdowns and misunderstandings. It hurts my heart when I see her struggling to communicate with me and I only fail to understand her. It's been tiring, yet every failure directs my eyes to give ten gazes to Christ as I give one glance to myself. As much as I like to think that I'm a loving and patient teacher by the grace of God, moments like these remind me that even my best deeds before the Lord only deserve eternal judgment. I'm nothing, nothing without His undeserving, unexplainable depth of grace. Oh Lord how often I forget my burden for this beautiful unreached people group that desperately needs the good news- you are equipping me right here and now.
I was deeply convicted of my weakness and brokenness as I reflected on one of Paul Washer's sermons. It hit me that if I look at my love for Christ, it'll only earn me an eternity separated from him. My best deed and best thought, if it can be called out and that was the only thing for which I was judged, will only earn me hell! It is solely the son, everything was made for him. Redemption is for him. Everything was made for Him! It's Christ, everything is Christ. The more we see the seriousness of our sins, the more we see how we're often going one step forward and two steps back, our only rational response would be our absolute recognition of our need for Calvary and grace.
"How we spend our money and marginal time reflects where our priority truly lies." This has been a thought that's been lingering in my mind for a few weeks now and I could not seem to brush it off and carry on with my everyday life choices. This challenging thought further emphasized the previous provoking truths that I was wrestling with from John Piper's "Don't Waste Your Life." The more I tried to brush the thoughts away, the more the Lord gently but firmly revealed the sins in my life. It's uncomfortable and often unbearable, but by God's grace and steadfast love, I've started to uncover God's definition of grace more deeply and sweetly. You see, these perfect standard laws were never meant to be achievable if left to us walking dead human corpses. Yet, in God's kindness, the unattainable benchmarks should only cause us to collapse on our knees- like a helpless babe- and compel us to cling to the One who has fulfilled the laws perfectly because of the cross. And as we walk in step with the Spirit, any small wins at all should drive us to boast in Christ alone!
A messy incident occurred in my school which involved one of the classes I teach. The students were convicted of stealing a senior teacher's wallet. As difficult as it was seeing something like that happen, it was a sobering reminder that not one is righteous. I give thanks to God for the privilege to reiterate the gospel to these students, highlighting that the sin problem lies in wanting to be God, to rule life our own way, more than just sin being the act of stealing. I was able to share my story of stealing when I was younger, and my students were genuinely shocked yet interested to find out more. I give thanks to God that through my brokenness and sinfulness, He used it to lay low and humble myself, thus allowing me to show my students that I'm not any better than them at all. It is solely God's lovingkindness that I'm even standing before them today.
Whimsical Interlude
Grateful for the privilege to perform on stage for the very first time. As much as that was my childhood dream come true, nonetheless, the entire experience only shone even more light on the eternal, lasting joy of doing God's work and how everything else, indeed every dream pales in comparison. What a sobering reminder of His undeserving grace and love. I did, however, treasure having the people I love by my side. Oh what a precious memory that I'll forever hold dear to my heart.
One of my younger brothers just enlisted into the army. He's someone I've grown to deeply treasure as I found myself often encouraged by his intentionality and love for the people around him, including men and women much older than him. We had a little date that day, with a game of bowling, croissants, and a cup of cold tea, I had such a precious day with him and am extremely thankful that I get to call him my brother!
Savoured every second as we held a farewell picnic with our dear choir conductor. He's someone who embodies the Gospel in word and deed. His humility and sincere love for people only testify to the work of Christ in his life, especially when the Lord met him at his lowest. Although it's bittersweet to say goodbye, it's such a privilege and joy to know that because we share the same secure and certain hope, knowing that we are already one big family brings comfort to my soul.
Partner Me in Prayer
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Please pray that I will not lose heart in reiterating the Gospel with gentleness to my boys. Admittedly, I struggled to view them with my original lens before the incident occurred. But I pray that this will only be a reminder that truly, no one is righteous. Would you also pray that I will find time to get to know their form teacher better and that I will get the chance to bear her burdens as she's been quite overwhelmed and troubled by the entire incident?
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Pray that the conviction of my sins will only deepen, that I will mull on the fact that my very best deeds and actions will only earn my hell if not for the saving grace lavished while I was still dead to my sins. It's easy to be swallowed up in pride, but I pray that this truth will continue to shape me and cause me to burst into uncontrollable praise for God's great salvation plan!