A very sweet, ordinary joy:🍂
Cycled in the light drizzle the other day, with the rain falling so gently that it almost felt like tiny flakes of snow. The Chinese version of Jesus Strong and Kind was playing on repeat as I cycled. I loved watching how the rain changed the familiar pathway. The wet road reflected the trees, lights and surroundings so clearly that parts of it looked almost like a lake. The glimmering reflections made everything feel a little dreamy as my wheels glided across the wet path. And somehow, Singapore seemed to be having its own little version of fall too! I noticed that much of the grass had turned a warm, fall-like brown. Together with the cool drizzle and grey skies, it almost felt like I was cycling through a different season for a while.
Such a simple moment — cycling, listening to a comforting and rich worship song, noticing the rain, the reflections and the changing colours around me — Yet somehow, it all felt so full. Thankful for ordinary joys like these. The kind that remind me to slow down, notice what is around me, and see my Creator’s imprints magnified loudly in Creation.
I've been reflecting much on running the long race in ministry. Sure, I don't know what the next few years would look like. But I thank the Lord for gentle and firm reminders already of the hardships of ministry that can very possibly cause one to quit ministry entirely when just one final straw breaks the camel's back. When asked about my first month of ministry internship, my instant and truthful reply is that it has been a balance of real costs and deep joy- they go hand-in-hand. I think my gracious Father is kind to allow me to experience several real costs from the very beginning, for I'm aware that if it were the other way around, my reaction would have been worse. It was timely to be reminded of the costs of ministry through timely means like a conference on Ministering With Joy, as well as a workshop on Persevering In Ministry (led by an extremely dear and precious sister-in-Christ of mine). If I were to marry the two, the resounding commonality was tied back to the importance of rest- resting in the finished work of Christ and thus drawing energy and strength from that fountain of living water. It was incredibly helpful to be gently rebuked that those in ministry are sheep as well! Oftentimes, we unconsciously take on the role of a shepherd, yet to be reminded that I am a sheep was uncomfortable yet richly comforting. I am stupid, dumb, and utterly dependent. And praise be to God for being our great Shepherd. He is both sheep and Shepherd, and has trodden that path before us. Let us take comfort in simply resting in utter dependence on our Shepherd.
In my last update, I wrote about feeling very small and weak on campus, with moments feeling like a nomad and with all the activities going on on campus. Reading the Bible with someone can feel very isolating, yet at the same time, something that really stands out. Whenever I fall back into worldly thinking, I can even feel ashamed and find myself being conscious of what I say, afraid that a non-Christian might hear me and feel offended. Oh, what little faith and view of God I still hold. I share this because this month, something really unexpected but soul-comforting happened. I was having my 121 with a student, and from the corner of my eye, I noticed a girl heading towards our table. For a moment, I instinctively thought that she was about to comment something negative, for she had been sitting across from us for a long while. Yet, she commented, "I love what you guys are doing. God bless you!" How precious, coming from a complete stranger! God really knows how and when to strengthen our feeble hearts.
In God's kindness, one of the biggest privileges this month has been the opportunity to share the gospel in Mandarin to a new friend from mainland China (YJ). She shared that she honestly hates Christians because they often come with an agenda to force the gospel on her. Something I realized as I interact with more and more Chinese students is that they are generally very happy hearing your beliefs; however, just like they would respect what you believe, they too want that to be reciprocated. By God's grace alone, she mentioned that because I respected her fully, it made it easier to listen to what I had to say. She shared that her understanding of what we actually believe in slowly solidified for her, since she always thought that Christians had to pay for their sins on their own accord. Yet, hearing that we rest fully on the finished work of the cross was very mind-blowing for her. God, in His graciousness, also used this opportunity to expose my heart. She asked a very specific follow-up question: "How exactly did I reject God?" I found difficulty answering that and, at that moment, realized that I too had not fully been convicted of the fact that I have personally rejected God and still considered my sin problem as a universal one. Praying that our Father would pry open my heart and show me clearly my rejection of Him as Creator and King so that the work of the cross becomes ever more dear and treasured.
Amusingly, one week later, I had the privilege to meet with another Chinese student, Grace, who's a believer! It was such a precious time hearing about how she came to know the Lord, understanding how the underground churches in China are run, as well as even getting a front-row seat to hearing the real cost of following Jesus in China- one met with real physical threats and persecution. As I listened intently to her, I couldn't help but marvel at the living God we worship. It's not every day that you get to hear about the physical costs of following Jesus, and these things can feel all too distant. Yet, that evening, the joy I experienced was unexplainable. I don't deny that the sufferings and trials are real and painful, yet to see the advancement of the gospel despite all of the threats, to hear of Christians gathering to pray ceaselessly for 3-5 hours, to hear about their unity in the gospel that drives them to work in such harmony was breathtaking and humbling. I consider it a great joy and privilege to be a gracious recipient of the faithful work and worship of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ whom I've never met but feel deeply connected to already and desire now more earnestly to lift them up in prayer. I think about 1 Peter 5:9, "Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world."
It is my yearning to continue meeting with YJ. However, as she's not expressed keenness in reading the Bible with me, I feel a real temptation to give up on her altogether since my agenda hasn't been met. I realized that that's been a pattern in me, and I really need to repent of this selfish heart to the Lord. Yet I now see this as a golden opportunity, and praise God that Grace is more than willing to come alongside me to meet YJ. If you would, please pray for our upcoming meetups. YJ did ask about how I came to know Christ, and thought that it was easier for me since I was brought up in an environment that had easy access to knowing Jesus. Conversely, she knows of no one at all in China that are Christians. As I shared that with Grace, she laughed, responding with, "The Christians are all underground!" Pray that YJ would hear Grace's testimony and see that this fellow Chinese friend is a Christian only by God's mercy and grace, and that she'll see that this living God is a God for all nations too. Oh God, to you be the glory alone- we entrust the outcome to you.
Thank God for a little breather to enjoy the gift of slowing down through a short trip to Melacca with both my maternal and paternal grandparents, as well as some of my cousins from Austria. I know our days are numbered, and so this trip was extra precious and memorable, one that I don't take for granted. Thankful for the conversations to get to know my relatives that I rarely see. Also thankful for a follow-up conversation with my grandpa. It was timely that CU small groups have been walking through Genesis, and I thank God for giving me the opportunity to show my grandpa the Creator God who literally created the sea and sky as we savoured the grandeur and depths of the sea view from the 35th floor. It does sadden my heart that my grandpa seems rather oblivious to considering a Creator behind the view that he's enjoying. Oh Father, please open his eyes to recognize You, Creator God, so that he doesn't go on suppressing the truth about God.
Something I've Been Mulling Over In the Word
Something that has been both difficult to wrestle with, yet also one of God's kindnesses, pondering and engaging with God's Word so regularly in this season has been seeing how double-minded a life I'm pursuing. It's sobering as God exposes the ugliness of my heart and the depravity of my sinful state in truly the smallest, minor, mundane things in everyday life circumstances. Small things that I overlook, such as my body gestures that demonstrate frustration towards my mom, choosing to serve my own needs and pleasures over serving my dad after he comes home from work, hearing about his day, or even the growing awareness of my double-minded lifestyle in how I could be contemplating God's Word the entire day and feed my soul with social media instead of the living water that truly quenches my thirst. Being increasingly acutely aware of the ugliness of my heart has been hard to wrestle with, yet I do give thanks to my gracious Father for bringing my sins to light. It's easy to instinctively brush off these moments simply because sitting and sticking with that process of sanctification can be extremely uncomfortable, often only revealing more of my heart's posture to reject His rule and yearn to be king.
Yet in all of these, the Lord has helped me to reconcile with tensions that have been rising in my own heart- questions about God that I tend to accept instead of question. By God's grace, I truly treasure how these doubtful truths and my growing acute awareness of my heart have been slowly reconciled as I see the growing chasm of who God really is and who I really am. Genesis 1-2, in particular, has been a deep joy to study lately. It's humbling to witness the distinction, and thus chasm, that God as the uncreated Creator contrasts with humanity, his creation. God has been merciful in helping me to see more clearly just how I have personally rejected Him as the Creator and have chosen to run life my own way through the exposing of my heart in mundane, everyday moments. It would truly be much more frightening if I were to have responded with numbness or coldness towards the truths in Scripture. Hence, as difficult and uncomfortable it is to have my heart exposed, I trust that they are God's graciousness in strengthening my faith.
Ordinary Joys
An extremely precious evening with Ps Peter and Auntie Sherry. Oh my soul is so full and filled with deep, unexplainable joy throughout the 4 precious hours that flew by. Just being able to hear them share with such rawness and vulnerability, and to sit and soak in their years of experience with the realities and joys of ministry work was such a tremendous privilege, as were their testimonies that loudly testify to the sovereignty and kindness of our Father. I don’t take this relationship for granted and constantly thank my gracious Father for His kindness. The privilege of imitating them as they strive to imitate Christ truly strengthens my faith and is a balm to my faltering heart, which is so prone to waver and give in when the race gets tough.
I met Nia rather randomly, simply by helping her with directions, yet the Lord allowed our friendship to blossom. She's been such an encouragement to me over the past two months, strengthening my faith as she vulnerably recounted God's faithfulness in her life. Oh how the Lord knows exactly when and how to strengthen our weak and feeble hearts- she's definitely one of the channels of God's kindness in my weakness.
Praise the Lord for continued opportunities to meet my colleagues from my previous workplace. This coworker of mine has been a huge blessing to me- she's always looked out for me in big and small ways, and never holds back in surprising me with treats every now and then during the last 1.5 years. Praying for God to humble my selfish heart, that instead of not meeting just because my agenda of proclaiming the gospel is accomplished/she doesn't reciprocate my invitation to read the Bible with her, I would desire to know and genuinely love and serve her.
One of my sisters and brothers surprised me with these treats on my birthday. Truly a simple joy- I felt very loved and known!
Genuinely surprised and very grateful when I received Teacher's Day gifts this month for I have subconsciously saw being a teacher as my past. One of my students, sweet Larah, just transitioned back to mainstream school. Nonetheless, I treasured every lesson I had with her, for little opportunities to point her to the Creator even in our studies of math/english, as well as the many ways she's taught me to smile.
Partner Me In Prayer
- Please pray for the upcoming meeting with these two Chinese friends of mine. Pray that I will keep striving to place my hope not on the 'methodology' of inviting Grace to share her testimony with YJ, but that my hope will rest solely on the Lord, who is sovereign, good, and trustworthy. Pray that our gracious Father would open YJ's eyes so that she no longer suppresses the truth.
- Would you also pray for my heart, that even in God's kindness to expose the ugliness of my sins and help me grow acutely aware of my heart problem, I would not be quick to defend myself or brush away these sins, but that I would be willing to repent of these sins both to the Lord and to those I've sinned against. Pray for deep humility and to guard against pride and selfishness.