The Lord has been extremely gracious and kind to me as I reflect on my very first month in this new season of life. There've been countless blessings and deep joys experienced as I continue to marvel at the privilege it is to simply sit under His Word — alive and living — so often during the week! My days look drastically different from what I've been used to, and so the first few weeks was really a challenge for me to adjust, especially with how fluid ministry work can be, in comparison to the steady rhythm and structure of life and flow of income I've experienced the past 1.5 years. I also found myself often feeling very drained on certain days, yet simultaneously extremely joyful. It's jarring and beautiful to consider the cost and real joys of ministry.
It's been an absolute joy for me to realize the great joy that comes from studying the Bible with the different girls I meet with now, and I have grown more and more certain that reading the Bible 121s is really not a top-down approach for I can't reiterate the number of times God's Word has convicted and encouraged me as I witness the ways the same truths have convicted the girls. By God's grace, He has provided me with the privilege to read with a few girls on campus, and I didn't expect the delight I felt when I realized I would be reading the book of Romans and Exodus. I'm aware that they are tough and rich books, and I thus want to approach them with reverence and fear as I handle God's Word and strive to present His Word faithfully and clearly. But having said that, I vividly recalled feeling a deep wave of gratitude after my first full day of meeting to read with different girls, and just in great awe that these were glimpses of what the rest of the year could look like. Oh, it's such a real privilege indeed!
Nonetheless, it's not all been glitters and sparkles. I thank God for reminding me of the real cost of ministry, and the real spiritual warfare that ministry workers face. I, too, am not exempted. Over the past month, there've been extremely hard conversations with several people that are dear and near to me, from navigating relationships between my family, my mentors that I treasure immensely, to my close friends. To be very raw and transparent, these conversations have taken a toll on me, and it was very, very hard to keep pressing on. Recognizing how people-heavy my role is, I was admittedly on the verge of breaking down (I did, several times) and tempted to quit everything altogether.
Yet, it was in these moments when I felt like I experienced another familiar wave of hitting rock bottom (the first following the school incident), that the Lord really held me fast, amidst my faltering and wavering heart. For the first time, I was incredibly thankful that I actually serve a living God, who's alive and active, and whose purpose cannot be thwarted. That brought immense comfort to me. To be honest, for a moment my world felt like it was falling apart, and it was very difficult to lift my drooping head up again. Yet, I praise my gracious and kind Father for really holding me fast. I clung onto Psalm 86, which speaks about the Psalmist declaring that the Lord's "lovingkindness towards me is great, and You have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol." It dawned on me that I too, can confidently say that my God is loving and kind towards me, not because He has fulfilled my longings and desires, but because He has saved my soul from what my soul needs to be delivered most from-eternal separation from God. I think about how Psalm 36 paints His lovingkindness as one that 'extends to the heavens'. My concept of lovingkindness is so minor and so tainted by broken people around me trying to demonstrate a glimpse of lovingkindness. No wonder the Psalmist goes on to conclude, "How precious is your lovingkindness, O God!" And all glory to Christ, for as I mulled over that truth, even though my world felt like it was collapsing, I was gently and surely reminded that this God that I worship is so, so big! That in light of His grand scheme of uniting all things under Christ and gathering the nations to Himself, my situation is so miniscule.
One aspect of my training involves being trained in an area I never thought I'd have the opportunity to be trained in but am truly grateful for. We've been learning how to give evangelistic talks at different events, and it's been a great delight to have such opportunities. With death being very close to my heart, considering how it was a huge fear factor for me when I was younger, as well as how much death has increasingly helped me to gain a heart of wisdom as I learn to number my days, I chose to practice giving a funeral talk based on Psalm 23. It was beautiful realizing that it was solely the Lord who gave me the strength and helped me overcome my nerves, especially since I grew up as a very, very shy girl (I would constantly be on the verge to speak in any small group settings). During the talk, I myself grew increasingly convicted of the truths as I rehearsed these truths to others (and myself) aloud! I also really enjoyed meeting the interns from other campus ministries and hearing their testimonies of God's gracious work in their lives and opening their eyes to see the vanity of the world.
Simple Joys
The overwhelming gratitude and unspeakable joy I experienced finally getting to see my students again after nearly 6 months is something I will hold dear to my heart for a very long time. Thankful for the opportunity to say my farewells- to explain my absence but also encourage them. It was extremely bittersweet to part with them, but I continue to choose to trust that our sovereign and kind God will continue to make Himself known to them as other Christian workers come along. Oh God, may these precious souls come to taste the sweetness of the Savior.
I thank God for accountability partners, gals who have been so loving to keep checking in on me. It's been my desire to reach out to my brother and continue to encourage him in the gospel as he prepared to embark on his exchange experience. In God's kindness, truly, I met him for breakfast the day he was flying off. Deeply grateful for the heart-to-heart conversation we had, for his willingness to be raw and real with me. It really is rare for a sibling to open up so honestly, and I don't take any of that for granted. It definitely made saying goodbye that evening way harder!
Immensely thankful for the privilege of treating my dad with a birthday meal. He's the most generous person I ever know, and it always humbles me as I consider how he's never once done something for selfish gains — every action is always for the good and benefit of others. It's that servant heart that I really admire and desire to grow in. He insisted that I shouldn't spend on him, and was even mindful of the cost of treating him to dinner, but praise God for the privilege of blessing others, as I trust that all good gifts belong to and are given by the Lord.
A simple joy for sure was receiving these sweet, unexpected, and thoughtful treats from the new girls I had just started reading with! I definitely felt blessed and undeserving!
Here's a glimpse of my days on campus. It definitely is people-heavy, but whether meeting the girls one-on-one or in a group setting, my heart is often drained but a quiet and steady gladness often lingers after each meetup. I thank God, very much, that I'm not toiling alone. The Lord has provided precious gospel partners alongside me, and I'm thankful for the privilege of imitating them as they strive to imitate Christ.
Treasure impromptu memories with my siblings very, very much. We enjoyed a night cycle to grab a lil treat!
Another ballet term has ended. The deep joy amidst the temptation to drag myself to teach after a tiring day is often a real struggle, but praise the Lord for the constant small reminders to count my blessings. And indeed, these little friends have been a huge blessing to me as I view the world from their lenses.
Partner Me In Prayer
- To be very honest, I was aware of some of the challenges of ministry, but it didn't hit me just how people-heavy this realm really is. I'm usually comfortable meeting one person/one group of people per day, and so arranging back-to-back 121s has been quite a stretch. Nonetheless, as aforementioned, I thank our good Lord for only opening the door to pursue the internship now, for I still had a long way to go in grasping just how much a treasure this living Word really is for my daily life to be so engrossed in the Word now, as well as just not seeing the value of reading the Bible 121 with someone in the past. Would you pray that I would guard my heart early from doing anything out of a desire to please people, but rather from a heart posture of being first and foremost convicted of just how precious a treasure the Word really is?
- Would you also pray that I would guard my time with my family, knowing that they, too, are my ministry? I'm aware of the syndrome of investing heavily in ministry outside, only to unintentionally intentionally neglect ministry at home. Pray that God will continue to sustain me and grant me a deeper love to be His servant — both outside and at home.
- And finally, please pray that I will continue to serve Jesus with an undivided heart and devotion, and grow in savoring the sweetness of my Savior day by day, especially since my heart was a little shaken after several difficult conversations the past month.