Waiting: Difficult, but Not Wasted

There have been a few key people that played crucial roles in helping me to process and articulate some of the emotions that I couldn't quite pinpoint or put into words. Maria, Priscilla, Auntie Suzanne, Ps. Peter, Auntie Sherry, Dr. Luke, and Auntie Carol, if you're reading this, I deeply treasure every one of you from the bottom of my heart. They weren't afraid to sit with me in my pain, to lament on my behalf, and to strive towards turning my gaze back to Christ, the author and perfecter of our salvation. Here is some wisdom shared that I would like to bottle up to look back on, for I was reminded that this would not be the last time I experience unfairness during my time as a Christian on this side of heaven.

• Know that the processing of the incident, including the element of forgiveness, can and will take a while, even years, as I recall some of the similar experiences shared. There will be people and environmental factors placing silent pressures/demands to keep moving on, but be encouraged to know that it's okay to keep carving out time and space to continue sitting in the pain, lamenting, and bringing those raw emotions to our Great Comforter whose yoke is easy and burden is light. That was extremely comforting, as I recognized how I've been feeling like I'm being placed in a tight corner, in which I have to quickly bounce back and make a decision due to circumstantial and people factors.

• I'm thankful for the people who were angrier on my behalf than I was. Their anger on my behalf was very reassuring as I reconsidered the seriousness and gravity of the incident and its repercussions, which I have honestly been downplaying and suppressing, especially with the rather light responses around me from people of higher authority.

• I saw how the multiple burdens on my shoulders, especially the nature of being in a large family, have been honestly draining. I realized that it's okay to say 'no' for now (even though they are good things and real needs to be met) and recognize my limitations as a human to take things one step at a time instead of bearing the 'savior' mentality.

• It's easy to wonder why forgiveness requires me to get down to the level of the teen boy and almost consider us equal, but I was gently reminded that the more we consider the gospel, the more it reminds us that we were just as ugly and sinful (in different ways) and just as dead as others. And it’s the mercy that we know we’ve received from God that then helps us to forgive those who've wronged us.

• Reminded that on the cross, Jesus forgave those who knew not what they were doing

• Joseph’s story brought a refreshing perspective that resonated deeply with me: for Joseph to boldly state that "what you meant for evil God meant it for good” was no light statement. It took years and years of processing and grieving and crying out to the Lord, and you can imagine that trauma he experienced as he met his brothers years later and had to revisit and pry open all the wounds again! With how the Bible doesn’t shy away from the real pain and uncertainty that waiting brings about, I was comforted to turn all the more to the God who knows and comforts and deeply cares.

• One of the key reasons I found myself trying to quickly recover from this traumatic episode and to work towards forgiveness as soon as I could was solely because, one, I recognize that my perpetrator is a sinner, and two, he still falls under the category of special needs. It was difficult to wrestle with honoring my principal yet sitting in confusion in how she's been quick to generalize things without naming it for what it is as I considered her victim-blaming comments. I was encouraged to learn that special needs children are still humans, and so they ALL have a moral compass of knowing right from wrong, although on a sin level, that’s not something they’ll grasp because their eyes might still be blinded from truth. And so every child needs to be taught that there are real consequences to sin—that begins with the authorities over them (parents, teachers, principal, gov.). Unfortunately, modern society today utilizes a different approach (removing privileges instead of discipline). With removing privileges, it’s still something that falls within their norm, whereas for discipline, the pain inflicted is something outside the norm for the child, which helps them to learn to recognize the consequences of sin. Of course, discipline is to be done with love—being sensitive as we recall the grace and mercy we undeservingly received from our gracious Father -> reminding us that God doesn’t overlook sin. He is the ultimate authority, and He deals with every one of our sins (e.g., Passover—no one was exempted; judgment fell on all). It’s only through a substitution that judgment was averted to the lamb. This was very eye-opening and reassuring for me to know that people that fall under the neurodivergent umbrella are not exempted because they are still humans with that moral compass knowing right and wrong.

Confessedly, being caught in this waiting bubble has been way harder than I imagined it to be. The uncertainty coupled with the anxiety that comes with waiting has only, in God's kindness, revealed my hidden sins of wanting to take control—the root of sin: saying no to God's rule and wanting to control my own life. I saw that being magnified the moment I lost stability in my everyday rhythms of life, as well as the stability of a steady flow of income. Anxiety slowly crept up my spine as the days passed, and I found myself often tempted to believe the lie that God is withholding good from me. That itself felt like the third stage of grieving. Yet, as aforementioned, God has shown his longsuffering patience towards me, so that through the waiting and uncertainty and wanting to control my own life, when all was stripped away from me, I was really forced to ask myself, "Is Christ truly sufficient for you? Is He your all in all? Is Christ alone enough?" It was a real wrestle. I used to say this statement with such easy confidence that looking back, I now see how hollow and empty that statement was to me, truly. I must have offended people around me as they journeyed in pain, including my own family members. Yet, in God's kindness, this truth now bears a growing weight in my soul. Oh praise God for His sanctifying work of holiness in His beloved children!

I've had the opportunity to read the book of 1 Peter for the fourth time now with my 121s. I'm beginning to grasp why reading 121 with someone is really a privilege instead of a burden, for even though I've been engaging with the same text over and over again, His Word truly proves to be living and active. I'm still constantly in awe at my wrestle with the rich text, and it's always precious gleaning insights from my fellow 121. 1 Peter has been a timely reminder of the seemingly fiery trials that are ironically very similar to the trials we face here in Singapore as a believer. In God's great mercy, through the basis of the resurrection of Christ, we are born again into a living hope and an inheritance that is kept in heaven for us—one that is unfading and imperishable! How precious it is to be affirmed in the salvation that is guarded by God's power through faith. As I'm in the thick of this current season of confusion and grief, I'm grateful to grow in seeing how radically different pastoral care is in the church vs. the secular setting: the secular psychologists only aim to make your happiness their goal through self-actualization, but as believers, our only goal is to gently lead others towards eternity in God. That radically different and higher goal is beginning to be my deep echo as I recognize the salvation I can confidently say is mine, bought solely by the blood of the Lamb that pales in comparison to earthly means of gains.

Simple Joys

My eldest brother took all the siblings on a trip to Malaysia overnight. It was a first for us and one that I'll hold close to my heart. Amidst all the fun and bonding activities we did together, I was especially encouraged by the chain of generosity amongst my siblings because my eldest brother quietly took it upon himself to cover the cost of the entire trip. When probed, he simply stated, "How else would I have chosen to spend my money?" Such a challenging encouragement for my heart that's easily enticed by worldly and selfish gains.

Loved celebrating my youngest brother. Had the privilege to take him out for a little birthday treat with half of our conversations being constantly probed with, "I'm turning 14 very soon. Are there any words you'd like to say to me from the bottom of your heart? It's your very last chance!" Thankful that his desire to know God has genuinely been the warmest source of encouragement the past year of watching him grow into his teenage years, especially as he begins to wrestle with seeing how the lure of this world cannot truly satisfy his deeper longings. Not going to lie, my heart can't sit well with the fact that he's really growing up, but I count my blessings that he's still that sweet, warm, and cuddly little brother who's always there to offer a warm bear hug when he notices that I'm feeling down.

On a side note, my youngest 2 siblings and I did an impromptu 10 km walking marathon to get a supper treat, and it was truly a simple joy!

Thankful for a time of being with believers in Christ. This retreat came at a very timely but painful season in my life, especially being in the heat of the recency of the incident, yet I've been growing to treasure the gift of being able to lay down my ego and have other brothers and sisters bear my burdens alongside me. It's honestly been very relieving and freeing, and it has increased my view of what the Bible defines as the 'unity of the body.'

Deeply treasured my time with her. It's so special how God wired us with such similar personalities that we actually shared similar stories of vulnerability. Grateful to witness the same faithful God who brought you through your trials is the same God who would continue to be faithful in mine, no matter the outcome.

It's always a precious gift to be reunited with this very special community I hold dear to my heart as I grew to truly understand the true grace of God and have, by His grace alone, grown to learn to hold fast to that true grace and stand firm in it. Such a privilege to hear real stories of trials and temptations in the lives of people living under the curse of sin, yet to see them choosing to cling onto the truths that they have come to believe and love was much-needed encouragement for me as well. God, would you help us to choose the way of the cross over the folly of this seemingly enticing world? Help us to run the race with perseverance instead of choosing the shortcut (sin).

Partner Me In Prayer

1. As difficult as waiting already is on its own, I thank God that He is kind to expose a deeper understanding of the ugliness of my sins—that waiting really reveals that constant longing to still be king over my own life. Would you pray that God would use my uncertainties, pain, and powerlessness in waiting to increase my grasping of the sheer ugliness of my sins and grow in confidence that He is still actively preparing me as a bride without blemish as I await His second coming?

2. Pray that I would continually conclude that Christ is indeed sufficient as I wrestle with the shortcuts that sin provides. Being in a state of instability (financially) has only magnified my yearning to be in control and to feel stable. I struggle with believing that God can and will provide whenever I'm drowned in my apprehensions, worried about how I can pay my tuition loan, relieve my dad of his burdens, etc.

3. Finally, would you pray that God would grant my boldness and sensitivity with an upcoming meetup with my neighbor, Dianah, to follow up on our previous conversation? Pray that I would be able to apply what I've learned from the course on engaging the Muslims that I've been attending and that God would open her eyes to see the wondrous truths of a life found being in Christ.