It's admittedly been a confusing month with many fires to extinguish, yet Christ has continued to faithfully prove to be a sure and steady anchor.
I was sexually harassed during an incident last year by a teen boy at my workplace. However, leading up to that, there were multiple occasions when I felt uneasy and slightly afraid of his behavior. The tipping point was reached when I was chased by him two weeks ago, leaving me feeling traumatized and deeply shaken as a result. Prior to that incident, I had been receiving several notes from him with very inappropriate words, often with sexual connotations attached. Admittedly, I have been feeling very conflicted and at a loss for what to do. On one hand, I feel a deep wave of anger and helplessness as I consider the unfairness of this situation- that being a victim is not something you will yourself into. It has reached a certain point where my safety is of ultimate concern, and the possibility that I have to resign is real, which makes me very, very sad, for I have grown to love my students and I desire so much to give them a language so that they do not suffer from language deprivation as Deaf children. They have brought me immeasurable joy. It feels unfair that I don't get to choose my fate, and I just happened to be the targeted victim, so these plausible outcomes might become true. Oh, my heart is heavy and burdened.
The victim blaming I've received from my principal has also indirectly caused me to start blaming myself for not taking action sooner, such as filing a police report when the first 'chest touching' incident occurred. Instead, I have decided to trust the expertise and experience of my P. It has also been difficult to wrap my head around the fact that my Principal's consequences and measures taken have not been matching the gravity and the urgency it warrants.
There's been many burdens to carry these past few weeks- having to process my trauma, interviews with the investigative officer, waiting for my Principal to make the appropriate actions, fearing the possibility of losing my job just because of this (I always thought that if I to ever be fired from my job it'll be because of proselytizing in school), and even balancing justice with mercy and love, while seeking opportunities to magnify the Lord's name even in this situation. It is too much, O God, I need you. I really need you.
I’m admittedly fearful and apprehensive to lament so boldly and courageously, but God, I trust that lamenting to you is a gift- inviting me to pray in pain as I deepen my trust in You. I thank you that there’s nothing more freeing than knowing that You understand.
Gracious Father, I cry aloud to you. I sought the Lord, and He answered me. God, I’m in pain, but I choose not to remain silent. When I remember you, I moan. Father, my soul refuses to be comforted. For the past few weeks, I often find myself lying awake, tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep. The first week was especially difficult. I felt deeply shaken, vulnerable, and completely helpless. I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
To be honest, God, you seem so far away. Why, O Lord, do you stand far away? O Lord, it seems like the wicked is flourishing. How long shall the wicked exult? It seems so complicated with his additional needs. How do I balance between forgiveness and recognizing that “Vengeance is mine?” God, I know you are faithful and omnipotent, but it honestly feels like you are not today.
Yet, O God, you are holy. You formed me in my mother’s womb- I am wonderfully and fearfully made. Time and time again in history, they cried and were rescued; those who look to you are radiant, and their faces are not put to shame. Arise, O Lord! Forget not the afflicted and fix what is wrong with this broken world. Would you execute justice for the sole purpose that my offender and all parties involved in this incident would come to know that you alone are the Most High? God, use me in my weakness to testify to your unchanging character. May Your great name be magnified.
Psalm 34 has been such a balm to my weary and burdened heart in this season:
I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.
Taste and see that the Lord is good;
blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.
Through it all, I've only grown increasingly saddened by the reality of the broken and cursed world we live in- how much sin penetrates every being. It's at moments like these that I've even witnessed people coming to their wits' end, with little to no solutions left. I have been thinking more about the balance between executing punishments for offences committed, as well as the extension of forgiveness and grace. I often wonder how that would play out in situations like what I've been through. It seems impossible to include the element of forgiveness, mercy, and grace. How can and will God deal with people like that teen boy with a level of special needs? I know ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, but it’s still difficult to wrestle with that. And where do I stand? Do I extend forgiveness towards him for what he did to me, or do I also trust that vengeance is God's? Yet God, thank you for giving me the peace to trust that justice is yours, and whether justice is served by the investigative officer, prosecutor, an expert opinion, etc, I don’t have to bank my hope on the earthly justice, but I can trust in your finished work on the cross. Would you shift my perspective instead to extending forgiveness towards the affected parties, that they may come to taste the God of creation, the God who deeply loves His sheep? As I dwell on what the cross of Christ has achieved, the more I'm struck by the sheer reality that Christ has bore our sins. It's not that He closed one eye and brushed the sins off, but that punishment was indeed executed- all of God's wrath fell on His very beloved Son! And that gives Him confidence to lavish such wondrous mercy and grace upon utterly sinful people like you and me.
That aside, I'm grateful that this incident has also been a blessing to me, with the opportunity to grow deeper in my relationships with more of my colleagues, and for God's great kindness in placing precious people in my life, who have reached out and sacrificially offered their time, energy, and patience to process and sit alongisde me in my pain, and I praise you for the opportunities to be reminded of gospel truths. They truly portrayed the wondrous and incomprehensible love of my Heavenly Father.
O Lord, thank you for highlighting, through this incident, the great tension connected to the presence of pain and the sovereignty of God, thus shedding light on the reality of a broken world and a holy, holy, holy God. Sin is really that bad, and God is that holy! God, I trust that the foundational reason I’m lamenting is because of sin, for without sin, there would be no lament. My deep sadness, helplessness, and the emphasis on the seriousness, wickedness, and sin around me remind me that we need Jesus to come and make everything right.
Father, as I consider the reality of suffering and the pain of lament, I’ve tasted and seen how they have been leading me to recall your promises in the Gospel. Also as I reflect, I’m genuinely thankful to the Lord for allowing these things to happen, that though traumatizing, each wave of suffering has only deepened my love for Christ, deepened the joy and beauty of getting to depend on my Heavenly Father, increased my view on the privilege of depending on loving sisters and brothers in Christ, and diminish the once flashy, attractive things of this world so that Christ reigns more and more supreme in my heart. O Great God, above all else, would you continually tune my heart to sing your praise?