Dear brothers and sisters in Christ, thank you for granting me the space to process, to lament, and to praise our Heavenly Father for the recent incident. I’m in a better position now and have found much healing and comfort simply by sitting and dwelling on God’s Word and being in the sweet and safe presence of His people. Yet simultaneously, I don’t shy away from admitting that it’s been a real wrestle with the Lord. There were countless times when I would lie awake at night begging for a way out, begging Him to direct my path, only to wake up the next morning, instantly disappointed that I’m still trapped in this seemingly endless cycle.
But God, a covenantal faithful God rich in mercy, is worthy of all honour and praise. Amidst my real pain, anger, and disappointment, I rejoice for He has faithfully used every wave of suffering to increase my joy in Him- recognizing that Christ is sufficient. Christ is sufficient. Christ is sufficient. Oh friend, I’m far from being shaped into the perfection of my Father, but may this be a reminder that we seek and strive to write His laws on our hearts. In God’s great kindness, I chanced upon a book by Paul David Tripp recently, and this page caught my attention in a fresh way.
The one thing worth celebrating for all eternity is your redemption. By God's grace, you're being progressively delivered from the one thing that can completely destroy you: sin. But God not only delivers you, he restores you. He is making you a partaker of his divine nature. There will be a day when you stand before God's throne. As you stand before him, you will be like him because his grace made you a participant of his divine nature. Your heart will overflow with the realization that God has been victorious. The battles of change and growth are forever past. The final destination is his presence and throne room. Eternity reminds us that there is an end, a means to an end, and One who is committed to do what is necessary to bring us to that end.
I was genuinely encouraged as I reflected on how the Lord has been growing me, both through trials (recent harassment incident) and joys (reading the Bible with older and younger ladies, and carefully studying God’s Word the past few weeks when I had time off from work to process the incident), so that I can partake in His divine nature. I thought about just how thankful I am to have the privilege to deeply know and adore my Redeemer. A few years ago, I would have read this with little to no implications at all- eternity was just a ticket out of hell; I really never deeply cared about who God is, what He has done, and what He is actively doing. Truly, it is in God’s kindness that He has held me fast and helped me to grow in conviction and assurance that there is nothing more valuable a treasure than deeply Knowing Christ and worshipping Him as my life goal and heartbeat.
That aside, I’m grateful that leading to this most recent incident also served as an unexpected blessing to me with the opportunity to grow deeper in my relationships with more of my colleagues. I’ve also really been enjoying weekly lunches with one or two of my colleagues- inviting them into my classroom for a meal. Initially, I grew increasingly guilty for craving time alone, instead of seeking for gospel opportunities at school. Yet, I’m thankful for the joy God has granted me to start small with one intentional meal a week.
I’ve also started attending a course on engaging with the Muslims, and it has been extremely eye-opening and helpful. I realized that approaching with the right perspective is crucial, such as being aware that they might know more about Christianity (in a twisted manner) than we know about Islam. In the past, I used to almost forcefully bring up the gospel as soon as I could in my conversations. But lately, I’ve found that it’s beautiful when I simply choose to build trust and a relationship with them, as well as to stay curious, instead of internally condemning them for certain behaviors or beliefs. Recently, I had the chance to chat more with a Muslim, and I felt both joy and relief as I focused on being genuinely interested in her practices. We chatted about the practice of fasting during Ramadan, whether she dreads or looks forward to this yearly practice, what she finds most fulfilling, etc. This course has also deepened my own conviction of my faith. I used to have a hunch that I needed to explore all other religions just in case they might be worshipping the true God. Getting first-hand experience of dipping my toes into the Quran has honestly only increased my conviction and assurance in the God we worship as Christians. To see some of the parallels between the Quran and the Bible, yet to see how the Bible fills in such intricate details that the Quran misses out on, is astounding. Other differences like comparing their great commission to ours, or even witnessing how the messenger they trust was told of everything he needed to know in a cave without any eye-witnesses present, and how Muhammad himself doesn’t know where he would be going nor what would happen to him, contrasted to Jesus whom many eye-witnesses testify and who knows exactly where He came from and where he’s going, as well as what would be happening to him is mindblowlingly striking! I’ve since cultivated a deeper compassion towards Muslims (used to be extremely fearful of sharing the gospel with Muslims because they seem so loyal and passionate in their Islamic faith), the more I realize how they are really in bondage and enslaved to sin. Oh, may God have compassion and mercy on the lost.
To provide an update on my current state, I recently met my principal after nearly a month of not seeing her face-to-face since the incident. Thankful for the space and time she has given me to process and come to a decision. As I reiterated my position of feeling torn- deeply loving my students, wanting to give them a language, deeply desiring to come back to work the very first week I was given leave to process and overlooking my own safety to be there for my students, as well as considered her sincere desire and hopes for me to remain at this school- the flood gates broke open and tears flowed down my cheeks.
I wrestle with feeling extremely torn. It feels impossible to make a decision. My heart is at the school, but I cannot say with confidence that I can handle another blow-up. I keep thinking I’ll be strong enough to handle another one, especially being aware of sin, yet I know that deep down in my heart, the only reason I have such confidence is because the driving motivator is my yearning to be present for my dear students. On one hand, I genuinely feel that I can handle another blow up (but I can’t quite tell if I’m psyching myself solely because I deeply love my students and hence am overlooking my safety), but on the other hand, I thought about how if I were on the mission field, yes, persecution is real, but at the same time, we’re not called to just accept and foolishly welcome persecutions. Rather, we’re still responsible for guarding and protecting ourselves so that we can continue to be efficient in doing the work of the Lord. As much as I am confident that I can handle another blow-up, I recognized that I’m in a unique state where my purity is at stake.
I toggle between choosing to trust in His steadfast lovingkindness and covenantal faithfulness and feeling confused, sad, and frustrated. This situation has been happening in waves: the first stage involved grieving over the rawness of the incident, and learning to balance forgiveness and vengeance, and finally being able to forgive him. The ongoing second stage involved grieving over the real possibility of leaving this school I’ve come to love deeply.
I feel very, very torn. I know there’s no right or wrong with whatever decision I make, and I’m certain that God uses every circumstance to shape me, and that He who began a good work in me will surely bring it to completion. I think in God’s grace, I keep falling back on realizing what ultimately matters is the privilege to make others glad in Christ alone. Like really, nothing, nothing at all can bring any greater satisfaction than walking alongside the lost and inviting them to taste and see the goodness of deeply knowing and loving Christ.
And I guess that’s the driving goal I’m striving towards as I consider my next steps. As I continued to lament and grieve the past few weeks, I began to resonate more with the Psalmist when he said that he would have fainted unless he had believed that he would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. It really hurts as the reality of resigning sinks deeper into my heart, yet I have come to believe that God is not concerned about the decision itself, but the decision maker- it’s my character that He is more concerned about. And praise God for His sanctifying work. If that’s what it takes to deepen my conviction in Christ, and to come to the point where I count all things as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ my Lord, in which I have been praying for that conviction for a while now, then I can only boast in Him alone for doing just that through this painful season.
Simple Joys
Early birthday celebration treat for this precious not-so-little youngest brother of mine, who is mature beyond his age. Thankful to our Heavenly Father for His growing desire to make this faith his own, for the questions he often poses, and for the chance to consider the gospel together. Praying for opportunities and courage to follow through in reading an overview of the Bible with him in time to come.
Deeply refreshed and encouraged after my time with this sweet girl. It's not often you find someone who shares the same conviction as you, and praise God for the work He has begun in us and is actively committed to bringing it to completion. Grateful for the chance to dig deeper into considering how the Gospel alone radically shapes how we view dating and marriage.
She isn’t afraid to speak truth in love- spurring me on with the gospel to choose to lay down my own pride and self-righteousness, especially in response to the trials of life. Incredibly grateful for a gospel partner, who has so graciously borne my burdens and surrendered the web of relationships we’re entangled in to the Lord. Could never have done this alone.
Grateful for the privilege to read with my youngest sister- to do life together. Thanking our gracious God for His gentle and steadfast faithfulness in reconciling His sheep to the Father. Thankful for the timely reminder too, that God doesn't need me, and it's only a sheer privilege that I have to grow in my love for Christ as I read (and re-read His Word), resting in the assurance that the power to turn dead hearts back to Him rests solely on Christ alone.
Have honestly been wrestling with disappointments in the handling of God's Word in my church, along with its priorities. Thankful for like-minded gospel partners like Esther, who has graciously opened up her heart to me. Grateful for the privilege to bear one another's burdens, reminding one another of the hope we have in being the bride of Christ that He fiercely loves and cares for.
One of my colleagues, whom I had the privilege to share the gospel with earlier last year, recently gave me this precious gift. She has been experimenting with soap art and shared that she thought of the idea of a cross and recalled the cross I shared previously, and thus wanted to give me this gift. Wow! I was pretty astonished but also incredibly thankful that any seeds sown all due its owe and praise to the God who is still actively transforming hardened, dead hearts. Please pray that I will be able to magnify Christ, as she has been one of the few from the workplace who have been actively checking in on me during this season.
Partner Me In Prayer
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One of my greatest fears in waiting is the uncertainty that often accompanies the former. As I probed deeper, I recognized my desire for control, which waiting doesn’t fulfil. Would you pray that the Lord would continually remind me that He is far more concerned about shaping and refining me into His likeness over minor matters like this seemingly impossible decision? Although I’m at a position where I have made an interim decision, my fickle heart constantly wavers, and my mind often fears all the possible “what if’s”, which usually only leads to me breaking down yet again.
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It's been a rollercoaster ride. There are days when I feel more secured, and days when I feel like a complete mess. As I'm finishing up this newsletter, just as of slightly less than an hour ago, I had another breakdown as I reiterated the pain and confusion in making a decision in which oftentimes, it's a clear cut understanding that the Lord gives and takes away. Yet, this situation doesn't fall clearly into one of the categories. I'm grateful that my mom lovingly chose to speak truth in love to me. Please pray that this incident- amidst the grief, pain, confusion, and anger- would ultimately only allow me to testify to the true grace of God with boldness and deep conviction.