I returned to my school for the first time in slightly over a month to retrieve some original resources and personal belongings. As I stepped foot back in school, especially into my classroom, a gush of an overwhelming sense of loss, belonging, and reminiscence swept over me. It wasn't easy. Yet, what made my experience rather disappointing was bumping into my principal. I don't blame her, but it was a tension that was hard to wrestle with, leaving me feeling extremely uneasy and awkward. There were things I wanted to convey to her that I yearn to weave the gospel narrative into as she probed to figure out where I was at currently, as well as expressed her desire for me to come back as soon as possible. Admittedly, there were things that she mentioned that felt blunt and sharp, deepening my resentment towards her the more I pondered over the repercussions of the violation incident as a being still responding with a real level of sin in my heart. A few points she mentioned continued to ring loudly in my headspace for the next few days...I knew that there was meaning in what she shared, but if I were to be very honest, I felt ostracised and attacked. It was really difficult, and I left feeling more afraid to speak the truth in love to her. But I thank God for His mercy and grace in allowing me to hold my thoughts, to listen, and to be slow to speak in that moment of uneasiness. I wrestle with learning to understand how to hold the space for forgiveness, graciously speaking the truth in love as I seek to point the lost to Christ, especially when I feel wronged. In God's kindness, this has only furthered my desire to fix my gaze on Christ, who experienced the full range of human emotions, yet because he was without a hint of sin, was able to righteously direct those emotions in humble and beautiful submission to His Father. And so I thank God that He is at work in my spiritual formation to conform me more and more into His image and likeness, especially in tensions like aforementioned. (I contemplated sharing the above for it's always easy to desire to put the best highlights of myself in the limelight. Yet, the more I understand that our narratives are interwoven with joys and pains, the more I desire for this space to be one that represents my original self- someone still very much in need of saving grace.)
It really is beautifully humbling to see God’s character and promises in action, especially in circumstances that lead my sinful heart to doubt Him. Truth be told, because of the recent unplanned interaction with my principal, I was apprehensive and fearful even to arrange to officially inform my principal of my decision to resign, as I considered her potential responses. Yet, I was gently reminded to fix my hope on the unchanging God instead of hoping in men. Contrary to my expectations, the conversation with her turned into one that spoke volumes of the verse in Proverbs 16:9, “The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.” My principal expressed her encouragement to see how my faith has brought me to a higher position, in that I was once unable to even muster the courage to step into school because of the trauma, but now able to come to school to have this conversation face to face with her. She probed a little more about what enabled me to come to the point of forgiving my perpetrator, whilst reiterating that what he did was very wrong, and I thank our kind Father for the opportunity to share with her how the cross flies counter to my innate desires for justice for what’s been done. I tried to explain how coming to recognize my equal standing with the teen boy as a sinner brought me to a deeper understanding of the work of the cross.
Interestingly, she asked about my plans moving forward, and I was frank with her about the options ahead. To my surprise, she affirmed my consideration of doing the ministry apprenticeship as she saw how central my faith in God has been in aiding in my healing. She also encouraged me not to give up and close the doors on education, for she sees that I have what it takes to rise as an officer in the field of teaching. She ended by assuring me that the doors won’t be closed if, down the road, I intend to apply to work at this school, she would gladly welcome me again. My heart was deeply comforted simply by the fact that Christ really used me in my weakness to magnify His name. That was the only reason that gave me much peace while on my way to meet her- that she would see the power of the gospel.
In God's kindness, it's really quite beautiful to see how things have unfolded since the incident, with part of my healing process involving the timely privilege to dive deeper into soul care and pastoral care from my church and ETCA, respectively. With the people in my life who have invested their time and energy into sitting with me in my pain- patiently and intently- I've only been growing deeper in my desire to learn to practice the idea of "one anothering" more intentionally, seeing how rich this language is in the Bible. I often catch myself being repelled by the pain of others instead of being compelled to love them more deeply for I'm well aware that journeying with someone in pain is costly. These two timely courses have only shaped my understanding of caring for a person's body and soul in light of ultimately moving the person towards eternity with God. And that bigger motivation, in and of itself, is so radically comforting and different from the world's psychological and counseling services, in which their goal is often tied to the mantra, "Your happiness is my goal." Slowly toiling over the data points that map out suffering in the Bible analogous to the overarching storyline of the Bible (from the perfect Creation at rest to a cursed creation because of sin, and ultimately the crucial part of the equation: There will be a day in which there will be no more suffering) painted a deeper reality of the God who is perfectly triune and eternal, who made us in His image to share in His relational attributes. Having this knowledge more deeply ingrained helped me to understand how our storyline, oftentimes marked by both joys and trials, are all not out of the control of God's loving, purposeful sovereignty. We are daily being renewed and conformed into His Son, and part of that comes with tasting and fellowshiping in glimpses of His sufferings, as well as His tenderness and love. It's just absolutely comforting and uplifting to be reminded of Jesus, my suffering servant, who is my anchoring point as I map my suffering onto the timeline of the Bible.
On a side note, we also thought a little bit about the sovereignty of God in grieving the loss of a loved one who we are aware is not a believer, and how we'll be in heaven rejoicing even though we will probably be well aware that our loved ones are not present. It was eye-opening for me to understand the righteousness and sovereignty of God as I wrestled, but eventually rejoiced over this point: What we trust in is not whether this person is in heaven or hell, but what we trust in is that God is completely just and completely righteous. And so in heaven, because our minds will be completely renewed and transformed, we’ll be totally on God’s side, and we will be praising God for his justness (Revelation 16 & 19)- that He is super and perfectly right!
I thank God for a few very, very precious conversations with two of my siblings and two friends. Though they weren't easy conversations, they have only further solidified my conviction that there truly is nothing more worthy and of value than to persevere in knowing Christ and making others glad in Him.
If you recall, I mentioned meeting with my neighbour a while back. I give thanks to God for the privilege to meet her again, for the opportunity to testify to the true grace as I resonated with her difficulty in job searching. Shared with her a little bit about my recent harassment incident, and it was special hearing how she went through something similar and how we were able to share in one another’s burdens. I also asked her thoughts during my birthday gathering last year. She shared that it was really special and she felt like the moment she stepped into our home, a wave of calmness swept over her. She felt so at peace, and she was surprised to see how my audience was made up of people of different colors and backgrounds. She loved that I was respectful in my sharing and sensitive to people of other beliefs (she could see that I was not there to brainwash them, unlike her past experience). She also expressed thankfulness towards one of the moms I invited, who took the initiative to get to know her and explain the gospel as simply as she could. I was able to apply what I learnt from the Engaging the Muslim course and asked her about what she’s been taught about Christianity from her Islamic faith. She shared bits and pieces, but she didn’t quite want to associate herself with the Muslims, though she still leans towards the Islamic faith because of her experience during her religious school days. She often felt ostracised and looked down on as her literacy level wasn’t very high, and she felt like the other girls would often boast about their knowledge of the Quran. Thankful for the courage from the Lord to show her something about Christianity: the content page of the Bible (showing her the prophets she knows and those she doesn’t know, thus pointing to the fact that Christians believe in all the prophets that point towards Jesus). I'm very grateful for this opportunity to love the lost, but I would appreciate prayers on a deeper love for them, for I often see my ugliness and selfishness whenever I'm aware of how little love I actually have for people when dependent on myself. I have extended an invitation for her to consider just 18 lines from the Bible from the gospel of John (The Word One to One) and am still awaiting her response. I would truly, truly appreciate prayers for God to keep softening her heart towards considering Jesus.
Another conversation I had was with one of my dad's coworkers. Questions he posed: “Do you think there’s a purpose in life?” “Do you always see the good in the people you meet, including strangers, because you’re one of the two kindest ppl in my life and I see that you’re unlike some people who have an intention in their kindness (trying to get something out of being kind)?” “How exactly do you do a Bible study?” “I can see that your faith means a lot to you. What do you think you’d be like now if you weren’t a Christian?” “You're just so different from all my friends. I always wonder how you get all your values, beliefs, and character. Now I know it’s because of your faith as a Christian. Can you share more about how it affects your daily living and priorities in life?” I thank God for the privilege to testify to His grace and character in settings like these. I left the conversation thinking to myself, "How special would it be if my dad or his boss would invite him to read the Bible 121 together?" Fast forward a few weeks, I bumped into my dad's boss and had a chat with him. I thank God for his earnest yearning to ask for prayers for his company, especially for the believers to not shy away from standing firm in their faith and to be emboldened to proclaim Christ to their non-believing coworkers. He brought up the conversation that I had with my dad's coworker and shared with me that the one thing he concluded after my long conversation with him was, "It's all and only God's grace." My dad's boss was astounded as he recounted how rare it is for an unbeliever to see a truth so crucial in the life of a believer. Wow, I left feeling a deep sense of awe and thankfulness at the work of God in ordinary people's lives. What a privilege it is to be in such a gospel partnership, one where the gospel itself tears down all barriers and status as we share in the blessing of simply being children of the Most High God.
My youngest brother's deep reflection and conviction recently convicted my own heart- a gentle rebuke to a double-minded life that I'm prone to pursue. Out of the blue, he invited me to chat with him and I thought he wanted to confront me, but instead, his purpose was to apologize for lying to me earlier that day when I trusted him with the time he could use the computer, in which he overshot the timing and didn’t use it wisely (my parents were overseas, hence I was tasked with this role). He then expounded that he remembered sharing with me that he yearns to work towards quitting YouTube shorts, but relapsed in the past few days. He shared about his desire to commit to quitting both YouTube shorts and gaming, and took a bold step by choosing to stay accountable to our oldest brother and even took the initiative to delete that game. I was honestly so humbled by his honesty and maturity- the fact that only God could have done this deep heart transformation.
I shared that I saw how he recently went back to watching shorts and even though part of me wanted to remind and prevent him from doing so, I also knew that just simply asking him to stop wasn't going to achieve much, for it has to come from a deeper realization of knowing Jesus and wanting to obey His Word because of the gospel for this heart transformation to take place. And so I knew my goal should be to help him to see that Jesus is better, far better, so that he considers Jesus and turns away from the temporary satisfaction the world offers.
I, too, struggled, for in the moment of seeing him interacting with these worldly pleasures, I didn’t know how to sensitively and gently show him more and more of Jesus. The only way I tried was to bring Jesus up during meals. Oh God, my heart is deeply encouraged by my youngest brother. I know that only you alone could have done this in his heart, for the pull towards pursuing the things of this world is often so, so tempting that it can only take breathing grace to remove the blinds from our sinful eyes and desires. And so thank you for doing just that in my brother.
I also asked him what exactly went on in his heart, for it must have been a wrestle before he made these decisions. He shared with me that he knew these things won’t satisfy him, and he also thinks about people, including older ones, who often look back at their lives and wished they had spent it more wisely. These older people, in his words, are often filled with regret at the way they prioritized their lives. Oh, how precious it is that God is at work in my brother’s heart, and what an encouragement it is for me to keep fighting for joy as I fight sin. Praying that this would be another motivation to follow up on the invitation for him to read the Bible overview with me.
Something I've Been Thinking About in the Word
One of my deepest joys this month has been the privilege to plough through Isaiah 40. There's no way I can pen the depth and vastness of the text except to invite you to pause and read the chapter for yourself now. It speaks volumes of the Big God who rescues and reigns, and it's on that basis that we are called to wait for the Lord. And indeed, our entire lives as Christians are marked by waiting- a hopeful confidence grounded in the character and promises of our Creator King. As I read the passage over and over for a week, I couldn't help but notice the growing chasm between the Creator and the created. I was invited to consider the irony and beauty of Christianity in comparison with other religions. Christianity is distinguished by a complete and utter depletion of self and a complete and utter dependence on the finished work of Jesus. We focus and rest on the 'done' instead of the 'do'. Oftentimes, it can seem like He's not doing anything, especially in seasons of waiting and pain. Yet, we are called to rest and fix our eyes on what He has done! The irony lies in the fact that outsiders will mock and consider us foolish simply because we're not doing anything. I think about the other religions in which 'doing' is often a never-ending rat race, only to come to the end with even more uncertainty. Oh, what immense comfort we can take in simply resting in what our Savior has accomplished, thus giving us great assurance as we hope confidently for His second coming, knowing that our waiting is not in vain. May that shape our lives in such a manner that investing in things that are of eternal value and working to grow our relationship with God be of prime importance.
I recently heard another perspective on change and fighting sin, and it was beautiful to learn that sanctification is a means to narrow the gap between the lies we believe about God and ourselves in our often defeating fight with sin versus what is true about our God! Also thought about how I often view fighting sin as a 'me' game plan, which often subconsciously overlooks the power of resting in the finished work of Christ, as well as recognizing the need for the body of Christ to come alongside me in my fight with sin. I've been thinking quite a bit about the gospel being such good news. There are times I don't know why I'm left struggling with this thing I know I shouldn't do, but I can believe that I'm always invited into the glad life- the life of joy. There's a fullness in God that He invites us to. And part of that means a loss in the sense of saying no to our disordered desires, but an invitation to gain. Isaiah 55 speaks of the 2 feasts we're invited to: one that does not satisfy and one that truly satisfies. What a beautiful, beautiful gift of grace.
Simple Joys
Such a sweet privilege to be able to enjoy glimpses of creation that speaks volumes of the glory of God, as well as the visual reminders of the fading beauty of creation that should turn our gaze to the Word that stands the test of time, unlike the withering grass and flowers. (Once again, may I invite you to read and chew on Isaiah 40?)
My parents were away for quite an extended period of time, and I thank God for the opportunities to forge deeper relationships with my siblings- one that's often marked by both awkwardness and the deepest bonds. I'm grateful for getting to know a few of them on a deeper level during this time. Deeply treasured the planned and spontaneous moments we chose to set aside for each other. May we continue to do so even as we reach our wrinkled, grayed-haired selves, Lord willing.
In God's provision and sustaining grace, I've started giving a few home tuitions. I love the different dynamics and backgrounds I get to work with- adults, children with Down syndrome, deaf or hard-of-hearing, as well as those with difficult childhoods. I'd love to expound more another time. My very first tutee was my friend's mom, a lovely lady with a heart of gold. She was quick to extend the love of Christ on our very first session, and I was immediately blessed with these sweet, thoughtful gifts! What a sweet reminder that the Lord knows and cares deeply.
This is my neighbor, D, whom I shared about earlier in this newsletter. Would you come alongside me in prayer for our gracious Father to open her eyes to yearning to see for herself the God who's able to rescue her from darkness into a glorious inheritance, and to soften her heart to be receptive to His Word? Pray that she would be open to reading the Bible (John's Gospel) with me, in God's timing and will.
Her words and actions carried such grace, overflowing from a place of secured delight in the God who is evidently her Rock and Redeemer. I'm incredibly blessed to be a gracious recipient of her outpouring of generosity and Christlike hospitality.
Partner Me In Prayer
- I deeply desire that the Lord will radically increase my view of Him. The more I chewed on Isaiah 40, the more I was convinced about just how little I know this God. It's sobering to realize how often I confine Him to an imaginary box. Would you pray that I would commit to memorizing and hiding Isaiah 40 in my heart?
- As of today, I received an update from my neighbor saying that she isn't very keen to read with me at the moment because she foresees herself getting very busy with work soon. For the very first time, I felt a strong wave of sadness over her response as I considered people choosing to suppress the truth of God for a lie. Simultaneously, I was aware of my heart posture and recognized pride in my heart, wishing she would agree to read with me so that I may boast in myself. It saddens me to see my heart's ugliness- that something inherently good has become an object of worship. My heart is still very much prone to glorifying myself. Please pray that God would continue to bring me low and that His glory would be my ultimate vision.
- Since closing a chapter at the deaf and blind school, I've been in prayerful surrender about my options moving forward. Would you pray that God would grant me wisdom and peace to entrust myself to Him, trusting that He is faithfully and tenderly working out His plans for my good and His glory? As Christ has become increasingly personal and dear to me, it has been one of my heart's greatest yearnings to help others become glad in Him- to realize that to seek Him and know Him is the only way to finding our lives’ greatest treasure and fulfillment. If Christ is my greatest treasure, then I genuinely yearn for others to taste what I have tasted. I'm aware that ministry, whether in the workplace or full-time ministry, comes with a real cost. But in God's kindness, I have begun to echo Paul in growing in grasping a glimpse of why he could confidently and joyfully say that he is able to count all as loss simply because of the privilege of knowing Christ as His Lord. And I deeply yearn that God would help me not to waste my life on this side of eternity. Though slightly daunting, the more I've grasped the weight of the glory of eternity, the more this temporary, fleeting world pales in comparison. I think of the beautiful reminder from the words of Jack Miller, "There is nothing that can clear the vision faster than the discovery that all things are temporary and so am I. So what I do with my life should center on working with matters that will remain unshaken at the return of the Lord Jesus. Get a good view of the temporariness of life and- believe it or not- you will enjoy it more."