His Word My Hope Secures

I lost control and burst into tears during worship one Sunday when the congregation sang Amazing Grace. The words, particularly in the fourth verse, spoke deeply to my heart, “The Lord has promised good to me, his word my hope secures” as I’ve been mulling over the temporariness of this world — the grass withers, the flower fades, but it’s only the Word that has proven and will endure forever. The past few weeks have been quite draining and conflicting as I wrestle with the pressures to ensure that I stay afloat in this fast-paced society, earn enough, give back to my family, chase status, make sure I don’t fall behind my peers…the list never stops. Yet, I was also convicted again and again through God's Word that it really is His Word that will endure and pass the test of time. The more I grow to get a clearer vision of the temporariness of this world, the more the Lord has been growing me in trusting that His Word is really what will endure till eternity. And if that really is true and my heart grows in surer conclusion and conviction, then I want to give my life fully, not half-heartedly. I was also reminded of the rich young ruler, and knowing that I’m prone to love money, I desperately pray that God will guard my heart early. I pray that my heart will not give way to the lures and lies of this world. And so, Father, if this potential ministry internship is what it takes to help me to grow in trusting in the sufficiency and treasure of giving my life fully to Christ and not end up in the potential rat-race to climb the endless status and fame ladder, then I surrender this to you. I don’t know what the outcome will be yet, but I choose to rest in you as my Heavenly Father who made me, knows me, and cares for me deeply.

That evening, my brother shared a devotion on John 1:35-42, and we saw the importance of bearing witness to Jesus faithfully, pointing others to Him instead of to ourselves. It was timely as I recalled a 121 I did that afternoon, in which I was feeling rather defeated and disappointed for the first time doing a 121 — disappointed in my enthusiasm to point her to truths of Jesus that failed to match a reciprocated response. I was gently rebuked as I considered my motives: am I drawing her to myself or to Christ? Am I trying to please men or God? Praise God for the ever reminder that our hope should always, always be on the Lord and not on men; reading the Bible with someone else is a privilege, not a responsibility.

I've also been thinking lately about how, if the Word is really what will endure for eternity, then truths in the Bible should radically spur us to live in light of the wondrous grace we have received while we were completely dead in our rebellion against the Creator. Yet, I've honestly been wrestling with that for the more I feel stuck in my seemingly undefeatable fight with sin, the more I grow weary and doubtful that these truths and promises are mine to claim. My heart yearns so much for the truths to take radical effect in my life, yet there are moments when I only see the opposite to be true. Those rabbit trails often lead me to unbelief, and I've found myself questioning if unbelief is really something a believer can and will experience. It's genuinely brought me immense comfort simply coming back to Scripture and looking into saints who have gone before me who also wrestled with my struggle.

"Lord, I believe; help my unbelief." Admittedly, I used to think that the phrase, "Help my unbelief" was something people came up with, and it caught me by surprise when I found the exact words written in the living book of life! I think of Abraham, the father of faith, nevertheless displayed a lack of trust in the Lord, which resulted in fear and dishonesty (Gen. 20:11). Moses doubted that God could make him a great deliverer (Ex. 4:11). Likewise, Peter began to sink into the sea when his faith faltered and doubt took hold (Matt. 14:31). And even the great John the Baptist, who prepared the way for the Lord, struggled with doubts that this man really is the Messiah when he was in prison. I've grown more certain that this paradox that followers of Jesus have both belief and unbelief, both faith and doubt, present in us at the same time, is a part of living in the here and not yet. Praise be to God that these moments of unbelief and doubt welcome us to come to Christ, trusting that His grace is sufficient in our weakness. What wonderful, comforting truth it is that the God of the universe would gladly welcome weak people into His presence. Father, would you help us to cultivate a heart posture of desperate and vulnerable plea just like this dad in Mark 9?

Changing gears a little, I had the precious opportunity to have a meal with two missionaries, a friend of mine who came back for the summer, and a family that runs an international Christian school in Thailand. The former friend serves in the Middle East with her family, and it's been truly a blessing hearing about God's kindness and faithful work in their lives. She recounted to me the gift of really seeing her home as a means of ministry, and the blessings and obstacles she's had to host and give refugees a safe refuge. She shared stories of how the Lord has been at work in each of her family member's growth in Christ, and seeing how her children have grown accustomed to and understanding of the reason they'd moved there, including the frequent bombs because of the war that sparks reminder of the cost of obeying Christ. I was especially encouraged as she concluded with certainty and a bright, warm smile that people often count the cost of pursuing overseas missions. But being there full-time on the field now, she can confidently testify that it’s more the blessings far outweigh the cost when one chooses to obey the King of Kings. I also drew encouragement from my time with the latter missionary and her four precious girls. Simply seeing the joy on her face despite toiling at school in an endless cycle and caring for her own girls when she gets home, it was evident that there's something deeper that fuels her to keep going — Christ Himself.

I've started tutoring for a while already, and it's been God's kindness in allowing me the opportunity to continue to pursue something that has increasingly grown dear to my heart, especially after losing this aspect that I love after resigning. The flexibility of customizing the delivery of lessons, coupled with the pockets of intentional conversations I can freely hold with my tutee has given me ample reasons to count my blessings. Having the privilege of working with differing profiles, such as Down syndrome, ADHD, autism, and the Deaf without the confines and regulations that inevitably come with working in a school environment has increased my appreciation of viewing them as people with souls that experience real emotions and crave relationships. One of my tutee is a girl who has been wrestling with low self-esteem, and has had thoughts and minor attempts of self-harm. Hearing her mom convey her background, I found myself relating to her daughter's personality, and I thus count it a privilege to be able to journey with her now on such an intimate level.

Thankful for the opportunity to say farewell to my coworkers at the school. It was draining, but I left with a heart filled to the brim. It was humbling to hear my colleagues spell out directly the impact that I've made on the school, saying how losing me can literally be felt by both the staff and the students. It's hard to imagine how my relatively short time at the school could even have an impact, for I experienced my fair share of sin struggles then. Yet, the Lord has been gracious, and hearing these words deepened my conviction that we serve a big God, that sure there's a real cost to count in living for Christ in the workplace, but the joy far, far outweighs the cost because we really serve a living, active God! I was especially encouraged to see firsthand how the gospel has no bounds. I used to resistantly believe that the gospel could never reach the Muslims, and that any attempt to do so would surely cut off my friendship with them. Yet, the latest conversation I had with one of my coworkers, whom I shared in previous newsletters, has been a great encouragement to my doubting heart. She expressed her deep sadness (that led to tears) at my decision to leave, sharing how I'd been the only person she could openly share anything with. By God's grace, she's more than happy when I offered to continue meeting for meals outside. Please pray that God will grant me a love shaped by the gospel to love her and to keep persevering to find opportunities to meet up with her.

(such a joy to be reminded that it is more blessed to give than to receive.)

Simple Joys

I had the immense honor and privilege of spending an afternoon with my missionary friend’s daughter, who is very much in love with ballet but never had the opportunity to explore it in the country they are serving in currently! I treasured every moment with her — enjoying ballet from her fresh perspective, as well as every conversation! She’s mature beyond her age, and I was especially encouraged when she shared her earnest desire for her grandma to come to know the Lord. The way she worded how she deeply wants her to become a Christian in her consistent prayers to Jesus is truly humbling, and such a precious reminder of childlike faith as I strive to cling onto the privilege of prayer and the sovereignty of our Creator God and Father. Sweet K, you’ve blessed my heart more than you know!

In God's kindness, the trust and bond forged with my students' parents opened the opportunity for me to continue journeying with their child. I feel blessed beyond words for this gift of grace. I nearly burst into tears during our first session at my place after being apart from them so abruptly since the end of February.
One of my sweet girls has autism, on top of being deaf. Yet, the warm, fuzzy hugs and her quiet attempts to scoot close by my side definitely made it emotionally difficult to pull through the lesson. During one moment, we reviewed the word, 'School,' and I realized that every time we looked at that word, she would eagerly point at me. And I lost it. I signed to clarify if she meant that she wants me to be at school, and she eagerly signed 'Yes'. Very thankful to our Heavenly Father for the great privilege and treasure it has been to continue my work of deaf literacy intervention with these children, and for the continued opportunity to strive towards the goal of giving them a language that they might access the gospel.

Despite the raw wounds and difficult dynamics to navigate as a family under the curse of sin, my heart was lifted and encouraged simply by the privilege I had of spending an evening at a piano concert my brother invited me to. I thank our good and sovereign Father for still working in his heart, for the questions he's gotten to work through with other faithful believers. May I hold onto days like these whenever my heart wavers.

This precious gem has been a huge encouragement to me this month. Getting to hear her thankfulness as she reminisces about her time in CU, her working out of the gospel now as a wife, and her striving to grow in gospel-driven contentment amidst a world that prioritize otherwise has been wisdom that I'm grateful to soak in.

Partner Me In Prayer

1. In God's sovereignty and lovingkindness, I praise Him for the privilege of embarking on a ministry apprenticeship with CU at my alma mater in this new season. It is humbling to witness how God is faithful to redeem our waiting as I reflect on this journey that I've been on, how everything has unfolded to this point. Would you pray for my heart, that all I think and do would flow from a place of internalizing and grasping the great scandal of the gospel? I'm reminded about the difficulties of ministry, as well as how it can reveal much about our heart problem in ways we might have never seen as clearly before. I'm aware that the only way to persevere in this toil for the gospel is to really expand my view of God — to come to a point where I marvel at the God He is and what He has done and is continuing to do.
2. Had an impromptu opportunity to share the gospel with my grandfather recently. As I probed about whether he knew where he'd be heading to after death, he replied, "Nobody on earth knows where they'll be after death." I pondered over his statement, and it dawned on me that he was right. I shared that indeed, no one knows where they'll be heading to (there is no way we can reach up to find out if there is a God), and it's an awfully scary thought, but because the creator king himself took on flesh to come down to dwell amongst us, there is great, sure, and certain hope. As I was sharing, I nearly broke into tears as he unexpectedly grabbed my hand, and with his other hand, gently stroked my hand while I was talking. I treasured that moment dearly. Please pray that in God's sovereignty and timing, if it aligns with His will, my grandfather would come to trust in Jesus as King over his life. It seems like one of his greatest reservations at the moment is being afraid that he and his wife would not be together should he believe.
3. I'll be meeting my Muslim coworker in the coming week ahead. I would really appreciate your prayers as I choose to die to my pride and to lower myself in coming alongside her. Pray for an earnest desire to invest in her life, to really desire to know her, and for opportunities to show her the Bible (hoping to apply more of what I've learned from the Engaging the Muslims course I attended a few months ago.) She seems like a firm believer in the Islamic faith, and I foresee obstacles...pray that my goal would be to draw her to seeing Jesus rightly, instead of falling into people-pleasing mode.