It's been a huge source of strength and encouragement to sit under the faithful teaching of the Word through several channels this past month. As I prepared my heart for this ministry internship beginning in August, I couldn't help but experience an instant wave of fears. They were all so very real, yet by God's strength and power, I'm certain that they are the devil's and world's lies. Almost immediately, one of the most resounding fears was the fact that, because I had already had a taste of a steady rhythm of life and a steady flow of income for two years, to literally head back to my Alma Mater felt like a waste of my time and life, especially whenever I was tempted to compare myself to my batch mates. I felt silly for making the decision to move backwards when I do have the ability to choose to move forward. Additionally, there were a lot of inner battles with voices of incompetency. To top it all off, there were a few conversations that left me feeling rather overwhelmed because they were unexpected opinions and inputs suddenly directed towards me. I'm aware that ministry is hard — the hardest job in the world for the devil never desires God's people to be actively advancing His kingdom — but these conversations and inner mind battles quickly gave way to discouragement. Yet, thanks be to God for His faithfulness, for His new morning mercies, for every timely reminder that it is His enduring Word that will stand the test of time against the backdrop of the temporariness of this world.
The Lord has been extremely kind and gracious as I navigated the aspect of raising funds for the first time. I was honestly quite nervous since working with finance is never comfortable, and it felt odd to be in a position of dependence on others. Yet, the overwhelming support I've received truly humbled me. I had such little faith! These supporters' generosity only demonstrated how they have truly come to grasp the richness of the gospel to be able to give so freely. One of my first few supporters was my dad's boss, whom I had known since young and, more recently, had the privilege to know him better since working part-time for my dad. On one occasion, he invited me into his office for a chat, and it was so encouraging and comforting to my soul! As I reiterated my gratitude and thankfulness, especially about how his generosity testifies to the fact that he has really grasped the beauty and hope of the gospel, he encouraged me by sharing that what I’ve decided to do is not something many people would want or even be willing to do because it goes against the values of this world. He reminded me that the harvest is plenty, but the workers are few, and so he himself sees this as an immense privilege to partner me in this manner. Father, help me to steward my time and resources well.
I had the privilege of meeting with my ex-coworker for a meal. Grateful that the Lord answered my prayers to love her more deeply as I wrestled with showing genuine keenness in her life. She sincerely shared her desire for me to return to work at the school as she reiterated how no one is able to replace me. She recounted the times I've sat with her in her pain in school, how I’m the only person she can confide in because she sees my genuineness and authenticity. Thank God for His wisdom in guiding me throughout the conversation. My desire was to really grow in loving her and knowing her, instead of forcing the gospel on her. So I decided to hold back explicitly bringing up the gospel during that meetup, but praise God for the opportunity to reiterate my testimony and to testify to who Jesus is throughout the incident. I also got to ask about her growing up years, and affirmed her that I’m encouraged to see how her faith is also so central to her, especially since she went through really hard years growing up and even her divorce. She also shared that it was after her divorce that she then started to go into depression and then started taking her faith more seriously. And ultimately, praise God that she still yearns to meet me and even expressed her desire to continue meeting me!
Another joy I had this past month was every opportunity I had to spend time with my youngest sister. She would tag along with me on my mini triathlons. I'm aware that the fruits of ministry might not often be seen perhaps even during our lifetime on earth, but the Lord has been really kind to me, and I marvel and give thanks to Him for shaping my heart to love her deeply as the years progress. A few weeks ago, she came with me for a talk on the book of Hebrews at SSBC. I was genuinely caught by surprise when she turned to me before I could even utter my usual, "What struck you from the passage today?" and said, "For the first time, it's my turn to say what you usually say- I was really encouraged!" She went on to expound about how she is experiencing the pull and lures of this world, which are very strong, but to see for herself that the prize is real and thus worth every effort to persevere in this race. What a precious encouragement, all glory to God!
Something I've Been Thinking About in Scripture
One of my greatest delights recently has been to learn to linger longer (and even longer) at the conflicts and/or tensions as I’m studying the Old Testament without quickly jumping ahead to the fulfillment of these tensions in Jesus. I’ve begun to marvel at the puzzle pieces that hold a lot of tension and can seem so jarring on their own.
Recently, I’ve been studying Ezekiel 34 and 36. I’ve always known that God wants His name to be known and magnified amongst the nations, but it always sat as a general truth for me without much substance. For the first time, Ezekiel 36 peeled back the layers and opened my eyes to consider the extent of God’s concern for His own name! It’s incredibly humbling!
The evilness in Israel’s hearts — bloodshed, defiled deeds, idolatry — led to them receiving their just consequences. However, the foreign nations saw God’s just wrath as God lacking power to protect his people/not keeping His covenant. His name became mocked by other nations. And even before any hint of repentance or good behavior, God made it crystal clear to His people that his act of rescuing them is solely for His own name’s sake. God’s act of rescue is absolutely reliant on His own concern for His own glory and not dependent on the people’s repentance or obedience. It was sobering to see that it wasn’t so much about their sin, but more about God’s wrath. Sin demands appropriate and just wrath from God because of His absolute Holiness. To witness the people’s helplessness and stubbornness helped me to see more clearly that they could not have done anything to remove God’s wrath. Unless God chooses to intervene and bear the consequences, they are helpless.
The following verses then describe the reversal and God dealing with the cause of sin, ultimately giving them an entirely new heart.
I’m beginning to appreciate more deeply how the storyline of the OT demonstrates to us so clearly that to receive blessings, the people have to belong to Him and somehow be made holy. Yet, they’ve utterly failed again and again. What a great comfort it is that our Holy God has committed to bind Himself to this promise and has, indeed, established us as His holy people through the forgiveness of sin and the writing of the law within our new hearts so that we can obey Him and receive all these wonderful blessings!
Simple Joys
This is Raelynn. Some might coin her as someone who is hearing-impaired or deaf, others might consider her a public nuisance for her meltdowns due to being on the spectrum. Yet, my time with her has only proven that she is such a ball of sunshine! The joy she exudes often makes every moment worthwhile. I love watching her blossom, from being someone who could not even utter a single means of expressing herself when I first met her, to being the sweetest, loveliest, and most cheerful girl who has on multiple occasions attuned to my emotions! I marvel at our Creator God, for creating her just the way she is — her sharp, observant eyes, her cheeky laughs at me when I caught my mistakes, and her joyful presence that brightens the entire room — Oh my dear little Raelynn, we've been through all sorts of obstacles the past two years, but above all, you've taught me to treasure the ordinary joys. Thank you, Jesus, for the privilege to keep loving and investing in her life. I pray so much that this enduring goal, to give her a language, would one day provide the opportunity to tell her about Jesus.
I have grown to deeply treasure every opportunity to meet with older women who are still clinging onto Christ and deeply yearn to stay faithful till the end. I'm always at a loss for words whenever I consider the sheer privilege of getting to witness and do life alongside them, imitating them as they strive to imitate Christ. I had one such day last month, and my heart was incredibly blessed and full! I started the day by meeting Maria, reading the Bible with her and then got invited to go on a little road trip to pick her son up from school, drop him off, then continued applicating and praying for one another over lunch. To see how intentionally she sacrifices her time and energy to pour into the girls she reads with, and makes each of us feel deeply cared for as an individual is extremely precious, and I really pray that God would help me to invest in these girls' lives individually, instead of viewing them as 'projects'. Later that evening, I had the joy and privilege of being edified by a missionary friend, Shirley. Oh, how wonderful it is to see how the Lord orchestrated this timely meetup as she spoke into my life and modeled the joys and challenges of ministry!
I'm so grateful that I get to do life alongside this sweet sister, Becca! She's challenged me on so many levels as I witness her spontaneity and delight in proclaiming Christ to her coworkers or strangers that she crosses paths with. I was especially moved, during our time together that morning, to hear her testimony — one filled with much waiting yet full of hope, because she has come to taste and believe that our God is a sovereign, trustworthy God even when our timeline doesn't align with His.
The juxtaposition between the last time I saw her face to face and the conversation we had over video call that day was odd, yet it only proves the beautiful truth that the gospel message is what really binds the unlikely. Oh, my heart was deeply loved and moved even from miles away from this precious, precious sister. I treasure our kingdom friendship, and thank our gracious Father for holding us fast. I love her so dearly!
Very thankful for the privilege of getting to know my brothers and sisters in my local church as they come along and support me in this new season. All three of us left with hearts strengthened and more convicted that the gospel is worth counting the cost and living for. They shared with me about how Christ came into their lives and convicted them of who He is at such a timely season, though an extremely painful one. He recounted to me God's kindness in allowing him to proclaim Christ during his dad's funeral, an environment filled with much darkness, and as he shared about God's grace as he looks back now and sees how his painful loss in a season of instability brought about this precious opportunity, tears started flowing down his cheeks. He was able to confidently say that, "God took me away from my job so that I could do the job of the Lord." That moment is one I pray would strengthen me when I feel discouraged in this new season ahead.
Thankful for a moment to slow down and be reminded of the purpose, joys, and hardships of ministry alongside fellow saints who are toiling for the same prize!
Partner Me In Prayer
- I've had several difficult conversations with different parties the past few weeks and to be very honest, it's been hard and I've often felt like breaking into tears as feelings of incompetency and smallness arise within my heart. I'm often drawn to desire to please others, and so would you pray for my heart to be soft and to keep seeing my Heavenly Father as my ultimate King who has bought me at a price and so desires my obedience? Pray that I'll keep trusting that it's a wonderful thing to obey my King. Pray that I'll be gracious and loving with my words and actions, and to cultivate a posture of humility.
- I'm meeting my Muslim ex-coworker again next month. I would appreciate prayers for a heart that seeks to love the lost, to continue to know and love her deeply as a friend, and for the boldness to show her something about Christianity.